


Torchwood Goes Watercolor

by Canaan



Category: Duck Dodgers in the 24 1/2th Century, Torchwood
Genre: Crack, Crossover, Fluff, Gen, Humor, Stand Alone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-11
Updated: 2012-04-11
Packaged: 2017-11-03 11:48:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/381046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Canaan/pseuds/Canaan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A strange being comes through the Cardiff rift.  Stranger than usual, even.  Torchwood/Looney Tunes crossover.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Torchwood Goes Watercolor

**Author's Note:**

> Complete and utter crack!fic. A series of linked drabbles. If you haven't met our non-BBC guest stars and want to, I found all three of them in the same cartoon at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HOtPeN5BigM.
> 
> Beta'd by Weatherwax. Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, not even a little bit, and I'm not making any money, and I think I'm going to hell for this, anyway.

The alien walks calmly over to his spatial transmogrifier. This device--this elegant solution--will fold the Earth in upon itself, clearing that section of space without the obstructive messiness of debris. He inserts the critical component: a crisp, green block of compressed lunetrium sufficient to power a hundred rocket ships for the next thousand years. He strokes the lunetrium fondly as his other hand programs coordinates into the control panel. At the very last second, he sticks his fingers in his ears. There's a momentary darkness. Time seems to have passed when he opens his eyes and sees blue.

*

He's flat on his back, looking up at a concave blue hemisphere. This is concerning, as blue hemispheres ought to be _convex_. He also feels as if he's been run over by the Neptune Express. He gets to his knees before a man's voice says, "Don't move."

There's a trio of earthlings looking at him. Dark, tight-fitting clothing covers most of their ghastly pink skins. He hears more earthlings moving behind him. "Who the hell are you?" Marvin asks.

They look out at him over primitive devices he assumes are guns. A woman in imposing boots answers him: "We're Torchwood."

*

Marvin looks out through a sheet of some clear substance that's proven remarkably resistant to his attempts to penetrate it. The earthling called Harkness says, "Tell me again what kind of a machine you were using?"

"It was a spatial transmogrifier," Marvin says, mournfully. He'll never see it again. The majority of vehicles on this pitiful planet don't even have thrusters.

"And it was meant to, what, twist space? And send you here?" Owen asks. "Not much of a plan, you ask me."

"No!" Marvin protests. "There was supposed to be an Earth-shattering kaboom!"

Owen snorts. "Take a number, mate."

*

"We've got another spike, Jack," a woman's voice says from the overhead. "I've got CCTV on the area."

Harkness waits. "And?" he prompts.

The voice hesitates. "You're not going to believe this."

"Believe what?" Marvin says. "What could be more unbelievable than waking up on the Earth?"

Owen says, "You see what's in the cell next to yours?"

"It's a duck, Jack," the woman says. "With hands. About 120 centimeters high. With a bipedal pig a bit shorter."

Marvin covers his eyes with his hand. "Could this day get any worse?"

"They're arguing over a block of green, glowing stuff."

*

"What have we learned today, Eager Young Space Cadet?" Duck Dodgers asks.

The Space Cadet thinks hard before he answers his hero. "Lunetrium isn't worth transpatial dislocation via a space-time rift?"

Dodgers makes a rude noise. "Lunetrium isn't worth . . . Do you _know_ what lunetrium is worth?"

A lovely woman with dark skin asks, "What does this 'lunetrium' do? The molecular structure's fascinating, but what makes it so valuable?"

From the cell next to theirs, a hollow-sounding voice says, "That block could power a hundred spaceships for a thousand years."

His Heroship says, "It's worth a fortune on the black market."

*

"Does 'lunetrium' mean anything to you, Jack?" Gwen says.

Jack shakes his head, looking disgusted. "Tosh is still working on it. Apparently, it's some kind of a power source. And in the meantime, the aliens are going at it like cats and dogs."

"You mean ducks and pigs," Owen quips.

"Actually, the pig's not arguing much," Ianto observes. "Seems remarkably cheerful for having been translocated to some foreign place and time."

"Time?" Gwen asks.

"Well, the duck keeps shouting that he's from the . . . er, 24th-and-a-half century. The pig just smiles."

Jack grins a little. "Sounds like my kind of sentient."

*

"Oh no. Space Cadets don't have names--they're issued when we finish our training."

Jack nods at the pig, pretending this makes sense. "And how do you and Dodgers know this Marvin character?"

The Space Cadet tries to look innocent. "Oh, we'd been sent to claim the same planet. G-g-good at his job. I only blew him up once. A little." A bit of a smirk touches his face. "He's tougher than he looks."

Jack tries to imagine blowing someone up "a little." "What happened to the planet?" he asks.

The pig looks down away. "It's smaller now. Particles, mostly."

*

"I want them off my planet," Jack says.

"I want Kiera Knightly naked," Owen says. "Don't see how that's goin' to happen, either."

"Let's ask _them_ ," Gwen says. The others look at her like she's gone mental. "They're aliens, or from the future, or both. They might know more about it than we do."

Jack considers his team. "Tosh, stay on the lunetrium. I'll chat up the Space Cadet." He grins, and when Gwen winces, grins wider.

"Dibs on Marvin," Ianto says.

"Owen, Gwen, talk to Dodgers," Jack orders. "Gwen, don't let Owen hit him unless the duck starts it."

*

"L-l-l, L-l-l-Let's see. I've traveled by rocket ship."

"Rockets," Jack reminisces. "A fast, rough ride."

The Space Cadet grins and sips at his whiskey. "And point to point teleporter."

"No teleports on this planet," Jack says, mournfully. "Or transmats."

The Space Cadet regards him over the rim of the cup. "Then we might be here a-awhile."

Jack raises his eyebrows. "You're not heartbroken?"

The Space Cadet smirks. "Nothing lasts forever, Captain." His eyes travel over Jack, from the top of his head to the toes of his boots and back again. "And I believe in making the b-b-best of things."

*

"No rockets, flying saucers, teleporters, or extra-orbital spacecraft of any kind," Marvin summarizes.

"Correct," Ianto agrees.

The alien gives a long-suffering sigh. "I refuse to be stuck on the Earth. Do you have a computer?"

"Of course. Why should I trust you with it?"

"You want to be rid of Dodgers?" That must be rhetorical--the duck's a tosser. "I'll take him with me." Allowing an alien who means to effect space travel with a computer to have access to one seems unwise. "And his sidekick," Marvin adds.

That pig and Jack get on too bloody well. "Done," Ianto says.

*

"Acme Mars-o-Matic," Gwen reads. "You're sure this thing's safe?"

"Entirely." Marvin works at the controls. "I'll set it for the mid-24th century. These two," he indicates the blustering duck and the pig restraining him, "can make their own way from Mars to the Earth. And if they aren't _quieter_ , they can _walk_ back."

The Space Cadet maneuvers his hero into the Mars-o-Matic. "Count to ten and push this button," Marvin tells Ianto. He follows the pig and closes the machine's hatch.

Ianto counts ten while Tosh pores over the computer. "The website he ordered from _must_ be in here somewhere!"

*

_(a hundred subjective years later)_

A reminder pops up on Jack's wristcomp. He's all but forgotten the engagement, but he hasn't anything pressing to do and it could be pleasant, so why not? He acquires a bottle of well-aged whiskey and catches a slingship to Earth. He finds the right area and sets his vortex manipulator for the correct date.

The fellow he's looking for steps out of a teleporter near his flat. Jack waves a greeting and gets a double-take in reply. "Jack! I didn't think you'd remember."

Jack walks over and snogs the pig hard. "Happy Graduation, you thing from another world, you."


End file.
